You have the right to be happy

"I often make the observation that the day Susan died was hardly the day that I started the grieving process. That it was hardly the day that our relationship changed.

That day was probably sometime around three years ago, when I began the transition from husband to nurse. As I grieved daily over the loss of Susan’s physical and mental ability. As each month brought a new problem without a solution. As she died over the course of years.

Over the course of a few years, as I took care of her every physical need — well beyond what I’ve described or will ever describe here — Susan’s and my relationship deepened in some ways, and changed in others. It’s inevitable, I now think, and even desirable. I consider it my life’s finest accomplishment that I was able to adapt to be whatever she needed."

Some time after one of my moms suicide attempts when I was younger I realized she was dying and eventually she'd probably be done in a very sad and dramatic fashion. Well it happened.

But I didn't have to live with her after 2004 so I didn't have to live with the things she did as she fell apart over the years. So I'm excited and happy for my dad that he has someone to help him, and that he doesn't have to be alone and that he choses not to. If I were married and I died, I'd want Heather to find someone to take care of her. Although as a ghost it wouldn't be easy to get over seeing her with someone else... I imagine I'd have a lot more things to be interested in though... if I were a ghost.

But that doesn't make it any easier, it makes it more real and in my face... Being a couple thousand miles away means I don't have to deal with it unless I'm reminded, and those reminders are usually gentle. My dad can find another person to love and grow old with, but I keep reminding myself its not fair because I don't get another mom. And I'm trying to get over that.

I don't dislike my dads friend, or the relationship... I'm not resentful. Life goes on. And I guess thats something you give up when you take your own life... you don't get the right to ask your partner to not move on. You lose a lot of rights when you're dead.

That said, I've finally started looking for an Urn for my mom's ashes. When I sit down to really think about it, I end up wondering whats the point of even having them around? Is it keeping me from moving on or healing? Is it some sort of adopted religious thing I don't realize I'm doing? No I don't know. All I know is I want to keep her around some how because I can (if she hadn't been cremated then I'd be SOL I guess... I can't hang on to just a finger). Would I be sad if some how the ashes were spilled and lost? Probably not. What will I do with them when I'm older, or when I die? Who knows, I'll get rid of them eventually in some symbolic way probably. For now I need something nice to keep these remains in and I need to make room for them in my house.

Just got stats from the ride.

Time: 02:57:42
Distance: 38.05 mi
Elevation Gain: 5,196 ft
Calories: 3,084 C

Pretty cool.

Lots of Pizza

SF

Went home. I saw, I conquered, I ate a lot of pizza.

I arrived in SF on Tuesday night. I was sad to leave Heather. My dad picked me up and we immediately got burgers and hotdogs at Burgermeister. I tried a bite of his salad which was surprisingly un-surprising. My jaw popped really hard while eating and made my jaw sore well into the next day.

The next day I met up with my friend Kevin from PsPrint. He just started riding when I left that job a few years ago (has it been that long already?). Then we waited a few minutes for Jonathan to show up at his work with the bike I'd be using during my trip. A very nice vintage steel Cyclocross bike, frankensteined together with a 6 speed cogset (with only 5 useable gears) and one chain ring.

I changed into my racing kit and we took off. Getting lost in the hills of Walnut Creek, east of downtown. We eventually found a gate to Shell Ridge park and did some off road riding (perfect for the CX bike I was on). I was pleased by the weather and trail conditions, and Kevin's patience. Walnut Creek, and this park in particular is a nice place to get lost while on bike. Eventually we made our way to North Gate Road and up Mt. Diablo.

I was a little anxious about my fitness level and lack of climbing the last few years, but then I remembered RAGBRAI had quite a few hills, and I *am* from here after all. But I warned kevin to go as fast as he needs to, reminding him too that I only had 5 gears.

We chatted while riding for a while, which makes such a huge difference with passing the time on long ascents - it also distracts from the surroundings though. I wanted to take it all in. Everything was green and crisp. Its always nice to ride without a jacket.

One thing about the roads in Chicago is they're not very grippy. There is something about the pavement here that really makes the roads feel slick all the time. The road up Diablo is smooth and dark the whole way up.

I couldn't quite remember how long the ride was, except that its long and steep. I think the grade is about 4% half the way up, and then it gets steeper up to 6%. I don't know what that means, but its good for you. I didn't push myself to the point of exploding and eating my stem, but I pushed and pushed. My heart rate was high enough, and strong enough, but its been higher on flat group sprints. I just focused on the sights and sounds. The wind coming down the hill, pushing me back. The sounds of all the birds, and eventually - the view. Even when surrounded by the trees, it was great to be surrounded by tranquility. I was completely relaxed once the climbing started and I settled in. I was looking forward to the pain and torture but I felt stronger than any other time I had ridden this route. The lack of nerves probably helped keep my muscles fresh.

Eventually we started gaining altitute, real altitude.. I could still remember lots of things about the ride, so I mostly knew what to expect, which I think is 50% of the strategy. I knew where to push hard, and where to recover. Some parts are steeper than others. But I didn't have to play games with myself. Sometimes I imagine a bungee cord is pulling me up from a tree up the road, or I could my breathing and try to take deep full breaths as many times as I can - there was no need for that here. I just tickled the pedals and pushed when I really felt I wanted to dig a little deeper.

Kevin was quite a bit faster than me, and he attempted (successfully) to stay in what seemed like the same gear as me. Near the summit, maybe a mile or two (its hard to recall, and measure distances during a huge climb), he took off and went at his own pace. Leaving me alone with my thoughts and the mountain. It got a little cooler as we rolled to the top, and windy.

Nobody passed me. I passed everyone else I saw on bikes. Fuel for the fire.

3850 feet is the final elevation number. I think it took us about 3 hours from downtown walnut creek. The best 3 hours I had on a bike this year.

Woodstock IL

On Sunday I placed 18th. A far cry from last weeks 13th, but I'm falling back on my usual excuse - Its a single speed bike!

This course was nice and hilly, with decent natural technical sections. I think this was also my favorite course of the season. All the bumps and climbs and grass sections were smooth and had a certain rhythm. I was really looking forward to tackling the course on my mountain bike because parts of the course and vibe reminded me of our local mountain bike park, Palos. The weather played a large part in how nice the race played out as well. It had rained during the week but cleared up by Friday. So there was minimal peanut-butter like mud.

Thankfully, no one induced any muddy sections, unlike last week, where the muddy part of the course grew muddier and muddier as the day went on, creating a nearly impassable section by the time the 4B category was on. This week we were virtually racing the same course as the masters.

I was able to get 3 pre ride laps in. The course started with a bumpy "hole shot" that funneled into a tight right hand bend. The turn itself wasn't tight, but on the first lap there was a good traffic jam, giving the call-up riders a great advantage. I didn't even bother to exert any energy until things got technical. Which was a huge mistake.

After the first turn, there was plenty of time to pick up speed and pick a few people off before another descent. I hit a buried rock too hard with my rear wheel and thought I might had pinched my tire, but it held on. My rear tire PSI was dangerously low for my comfort and there were several times I thought I was going to roll my tire. At the bottom of the first descent there was a nice right hand bend again, but because of my tire and the composure of the soil (soft and leafy) approached with caution. On the first lap this downhill was pretty hectic, lots of people trying to avoid the furniture in the mud, when really they should have just gone over it. For some reason I knew by the first half of the lap my race was over, I'd have to really explode to place in the top 12 again, so I pushed and pushed and paced myself with other riders, over taking when I could. Surprisingly climbing seems to really go well with a SS bike, I was able to pick off 2-3 riders, and I'd always come out on top on barriers and remounts.

I think I tangoed with a couple of riders for the first 3 laps, but eventually I ran out of steam. My main motivation by the half way mark was to not let the mountain biker on the Rocky Mountain pass me, each time I had an opportunity to look back I noticed he was a little closer, until he caught me at the start of the last lap (4).

Kudos to him, as I believe I saw him race the 4A as well - and like a true gentleman when he did pass, he encouraged me to hang in there.

Had the last dismount barrier not been so close to the end of the lap, I would have re-mounted immediately and powered up the hill (like last week at indian lakes) giving me a great advantage over a crowded pack of runners. But unfortunately the peloton is so spread out by the end of even the first lap, I might as well run it. The final barrier section was also this week's Heckle Hill.

What I think I did right:
Pulled hard on climbs when I saw others were struggling.
Descended fast on available downhill sections, choosing good apex lines.

Weak points of the race:
Not enough effort at the start. I should have lined up earlier - but people line up about 45 minutes before the start! Way too soon for me, I'll end up freezing my knees off.
Ultimately I think having a SS mountain bike is harming my chances at taking a top 10 place on a course like this. I'd like to think losing 5-8 lbs of bike weight would have made a difference, especially with dismounts and shouldering, but maybe not. Maybe its just mental.

This was my first race with a team, and in a team uniform. I've got high hopes for the group and I hope I'm able to bring a lot to the table. Its too bad the season is pretty much over. Although I'm very tired, I don't think I'll be training much outside this week because of the holidays.

My average week day

Wake up around 6am to cat alarm, or 7 to 7:30am to phone alarm
Eat cereal, shower, dress, minor internet use. Give the cat her shot.
Leave house around 8:20am.
Arrive at work around 8:45-9am.
Check emails, delete spam, check design blogs, cycling news, regular news, continue work from previous day (email fliers, catalog stuff, print flier layout design, etc).
Lunch around 12-12:30. Half the time I leave work for lunch, usually Byrons Hotdogs, or I cook a frozen pizza. ~30 minute lunch.
Continue working, finding a 15 minute break around 3:30pm.
Work more until 6pm roughly, little bit of slacking off is peppered in as the day comes to an end.
Leave work between 5:30 and 6pm, depending on work load, how many breaks and how early I got to work.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I ride down to Navy Pier and practice Cyclocross from 7ish until about 8:30ish. Usually putting in about 10-15 laps on the grassy knoll.
Ride home takes about 45 minutes.
Eat dinner around 9:30 after showering. On training days its usually either Pasta or Taco night. On non training nights its usually chicken fingers and ore-ida fries or BBQ chips, or frozen pizza again (or fresh pizza on a Friday) with crystal light or diet soda (or regular soda)
On non training days I usually get home around 6:30, and make a frozen pizza or chicken fingers. Around 9pm I'll feed the cat and give her a shot.
Once a pay period I'll stop for dinner or lunch at local bar and grill and get...pizza or chicken fingers or chicken sandwich.
Sprinkle in chocolate milk, orange juice, granola bars, almonds, donuts, apples, bananas through the day.
Watch TV until about 11pm. Fall asleep by 11:30.

My weekends are a bit different, I still tend to wake up early. Play some video games, eat cereal or shower and get breakfast or lunch with Heather. Run some errand, sit in traffic. Come home, play video games. Nap. Dinner.
Sundays have been race days for the last couple of months. Which is getting up early, showering. Stow the race bag and bike, drive an hour or so. Stop for cash, get donuts. Hang out at the team tent, pre ride when I can (usually between races). I don't eat lunch. Race. Pack up. Get dinner with the guys. Come home, shower (stretch hamstrings and back in the shower), cuddle with Heather. Sleep.

On Mondays I try to use my bike trainer after work to work out the lactic acid, but there isn't much from just a 30 minute race. When there isn't a race on Sunday, and the weather permits, I try to get up early enough to ride with team XXX up to Highland Park and back (about 60 miles I think).

I should eat more variety of stuff. At least switch from fried chicken to grilled chicken.

12th place

Almost top 10. This week the race was on a golf course! Pretty cool. The entire race was off the groomed grass, and it was surprisingly bumpy. Not surprisingly flat and straight out. So I borrowed someone else's bike. It made a difference! Beautiful Italian components and wheels (different than pictured in link). The race was also on Saturday.

So I feel great about my results, I really felt strong. The training over the last couple of weeks has made a slight difference. Having a semi-stragety rather than repeating "don't let this guy pass me" over and over in my head helped. I think we did 4 laps, and by the 3rd lap, I had a huge gap behind me, and during the 4th lap I think 2 people ahead of me dropped due to technical malfunctions.

I had a great start near the front of the group (although about 20 people got "call up's" to the front of the starting line for one reason or another. There are only a couple races left in the season. Hope it doesn't snow! Yesterday was pretty much all non-jacket weather until the end of the day.

So I'm looking forward to building up a cross' bike over the course of next year. I figure a year is a good amount of time to assemble something bit by bit.

Consistency!

Northbrook

I placed 18th this weekend in the beginner class. I didn't feel too hot. My back was killing me about half way through and my stomach was bugging me too. I had to use the bathroom all day and I wasn't about to use the port-o. I'm happy to be top 20 though. The course had a lot of long straight ways which gave me a run for my money with my bike. Some slippery technical sections near the end of the loop. A lot of peanut-buttery mud and grass too. I had people slipping and falling in front of me on the off camber sections. There was another sand pit that snagged a lot of racers, old and young. But the secret was to get a lot of speed and just fly through it.

This week I tried to keep it cool as long as I could and keep my heart rate and effort manageable. I only lasted about a lap before I really started to push, I think. I felt like I was farther back in the group, in the 30's. The start of the race had a long out-and-back that led into a technical slow section, followed by another long out/back into yet more flat grass racing, then into a little technical and slippery section, that dried out and straightened out to the sand pit at the start finish. I knew people would be taking the sand pit really slow and would be fatigued by the end of the lap, so I attacked it as hard as I could. I think I raced 4 laps, but I thought we were told 5. I actually remember this race better than any previous. But it still goes by so fast theres hardly any time to think about anything other than the moment.

As of this morning I'm a part of team Rhythm Racing. I've been hanging around these guys at the races and their training ground long enough that they just assumed I was part of the team, but last night they voted and I'm official. They are #5 over all for the Chicago Cyclocross Cup 09 season.

I've managed to keep my weight down to just under 160lbs since RAGBRAI. I think I gained 5lbs during the ride across Iowa and was up around 165~, lately I've been around 156lbs. Which is about where I want to be. If I gain weight, I want it to be muscle. With training on Tuesdays and Thursdays, along with riding on the trainer, we'll see. It's going to be a hard winter in more ways than one.

Muddy Mud Skipper

Last weekend was muddy. Muddy is fun. Like 6th grade fun. Some of my strongest memories of middle school are playing in the rain with my skater punk friends in creeks after school. I also remember holding back tears when I got detention for the first time for not doing my homework three times in a row in English. I didn't like doing homework in school. Adults don't do homework and they get paid to work, why should I, as a kid, do homework when I'm not even getting paid to go to school? That was my logic. I think.

Anyways, the race was great. Muddy and a little chilly. It was also a short course, resulting in 4 laps instead of the usual 3. So there was lots of this, as the day went on. I personally saw a face plant and another rider go over the handlebars in pretty much the same spot (both riders quickly recovered and remounted). I did not fall or crash. I almost did, quite a few times. Either because of someone in front of me falling, or because of the mud. Did I mention it was muddy in a couple of spots?

I placed 14th out of about 70 beginners. My best results yet. I'm in 34th out of about 80 or 90, over all for the season.

I've been training and hanging out with a friend and his new team. Last week I trained with them on Tuesday and Thursday on a grassy knoll right next to the lake, downtown. Both evenings of riding started with light rain and ended with a downpour. Thankfully the weekends have been dry in the sky. I'm hoping if I hang around these guys enough they'll invite me to join, but I'm fine with being "unattached". They do need a website, and I know how to make those...