You have the right to be happy
"I often make the observation that the day Susan died was hardly the day that I started the grieving process. That it was hardly the day that our relationship changed.
That day was probably sometime around three years ago, when I began the transition from husband to nurse. As I grieved daily over the loss of Susan’s physical and mental ability. As each month brought a new problem without a solution. As she died over the course of years.
Over the course of a few years, as I took care of her every physical need — well beyond what I’ve described or will ever describe here — Susan’s and my relationship deepened in some ways, and changed in others. It’s inevitable, I now think, and even desirable. I consider it my life’s finest accomplishment that I was able to adapt to be whatever she needed."
Some time after one of my moms suicide attempts when I was younger I realized she was dying and eventually she'd probably be done in a very sad and dramatic fashion. Well it happened.
But I didn't have to live with her after 2004 so I didn't have to live with the things she did as she fell apart over the years. So I'm excited and happy for my dad that he has someone to help him, and that he doesn't have to be alone and that he choses not to. If I were married and I died, I'd want Heather to find someone to take care of her. Although as a ghost it wouldn't be easy to get over seeing her with someone else... I imagine I'd have a lot more things to be interested in though... if I were a ghost.
But that doesn't make it any easier, it makes it more real and in my face... Being a couple thousand miles away means I don't have to deal with it unless I'm reminded, and those reminders are usually gentle. My dad can find another person to love and grow old with, but I keep reminding myself its not fair because I don't get another mom. And I'm trying to get over that.
I don't dislike my dads friend, or the relationship... I'm not resentful. Life goes on. And I guess thats something you give up when you take your own life... you don't get the right to ask your partner to not move on. You lose a lot of rights when you're dead.
That said, I've finally started looking for an Urn for my mom's ashes. When I sit down to really think about it, I end up wondering whats the point of even having them around? Is it keeping me from moving on or healing? Is it some sort of adopted religious thing I don't realize I'm doing? No I don't know. All I know is I want to keep her around some how because I can (if she hadn't been cremated then I'd be SOL I guess... I can't hang on to just a finger). Would I be sad if some how the ashes were spilled and lost? Probably not. What will I do with them when I'm older, or when I die? Who knows, I'll get rid of them eventually in some symbolic way probably. For now I need something nice to keep these remains in and I need to make room for them in my house.
"I often make the observation that the day Susan died was hardly the day that I started the grieving process. That it was hardly the day that our relationship changed.
That day was probably sometime around three years ago, when I began the transition from husband to nurse. As I grieved daily over the loss of Susan’s physical and mental ability. As each month brought a new problem without a solution. As she died over the course of years.
Over the course of a few years, as I took care of her every physical need — well beyond what I’ve described or will ever describe here — Susan’s and my relationship deepened in some ways, and changed in others. It’s inevitable, I now think, and even desirable. I consider it my life’s finest accomplishment that I was able to adapt to be whatever she needed."
Some time after one of my moms suicide attempts when I was younger I realized she was dying and eventually she'd probably be done in a very sad and dramatic fashion. Well it happened.
But I didn't have to live with her after 2004 so I didn't have to live with the things she did as she fell apart over the years. So I'm excited and happy for my dad that he has someone to help him, and that he doesn't have to be alone and that he choses not to. If I were married and I died, I'd want Heather to find someone to take care of her. Although as a ghost it wouldn't be easy to get over seeing her with someone else... I imagine I'd have a lot more things to be interested in though... if I were a ghost.
But that doesn't make it any easier, it makes it more real and in my face... Being a couple thousand miles away means I don't have to deal with it unless I'm reminded, and those reminders are usually gentle. My dad can find another person to love and grow old with, but I keep reminding myself its not fair because I don't get another mom. And I'm trying to get over that.
I don't dislike my dads friend, or the relationship... I'm not resentful. Life goes on. And I guess thats something you give up when you take your own life... you don't get the right to ask your partner to not move on. You lose a lot of rights when you're dead.
That said, I've finally started looking for an Urn for my mom's ashes. When I sit down to really think about it, I end up wondering whats the point of even having them around? Is it keeping me from moving on or healing? Is it some sort of adopted religious thing I don't realize I'm doing? No I don't know. All I know is I want to keep her around some how because I can (if she hadn't been cremated then I'd be SOL I guess... I can't hang on to just a finger). Would I be sad if some how the ashes were spilled and lost? Probably not. What will I do with them when I'm older, or when I die? Who knows, I'll get rid of them eventually in some symbolic way probably. For now I need something nice to keep these remains in and I need to make room for them in my house.
posted by vectorbug at 9:58 AM
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