Yesterday was tough, kind of like getting in the pool. I was really impressed and happy to see who showed up. I miss my mom. I don't really feel like I've seen her for the last 8 or 10 years. The difference now is that there is no hope I'll see her again (literally, not spiritually). I asked my dad to let me have some of her ashes, I didn't really think about it until I saw the box (a perfect color - Black). Now I need to make sure I find a perfect container (for my own sake).
It crossed my mind to find a nice glass or antique nutshell, so I could say this is my mom in a nutshell. I think she'd laugh. But maybe I'll just keep that a joke between her and me and instead find something else.
Happy fathers day! I am pretty sure I'm not a father, so I'll be spending it with my dad ;)
I am still friends with my first girlfriend. First real girlfriend. I looked for love eagerly when I was young, and still do. My hormones have settled a lot in the last 10 years, but they're still there. I'm more logical I hope, and more rational. Maybe less emotional. Patient. I always have been, and probably always will be at ease with being alone though. But anyways, we're all alone, we all die alone. I guess maybe the only time we're not alone is when we're born. We're still with our mothers, connected physically - literally. And then that cord is severed. It seems we trick ourselves into thinking we're not alone and that its a sad, depressing thing to be by ourselves. But maybe its just the wanting that is what leads to unhappiness. if you always want what isn't really there, you'll always be sad. Thinking we've finally found her or him and we're a team now, then why aren't we happier? its you that makes you happy, and me that makes me happy. we'll be happy /together/ but we're still alone.
so thats ok. its ok to be alone. and its ok to be completely alone with your most loved person in the same room.
I'm still friends with my first girlfriend, more or less, and I think I will be forever. I hope. In some way, with some line of contact. I've been tricked and talked out of being friends with her by other girlfriends (and parents!), and there have been times when we haven't talked and its been my fault, and times we haven't talked and its been her fault. But what comes around goes around. We come around and now its been 10 years, I think she's my second oldest friend, right behind Jonathan. I work right by a Montessori School and I always think about her going to one and her friend... I think his name was Simon or something like that. If I have kids I hope I can send them to a Montessori.
Its been raining so much here, almost every day since it stopped being freezing. I'm passed being depressed about the weather and am hopelessly frustrated
I'm going home next week. Its going to be a roller coaster in my head, or my heart? My big boss at work has a lot of advice about how to deal and how to help my dad. But I just want to keep doing what I've always done to deal and cope. Just keep moving, rolling. In movement I can think and accept and complete.
I have a great partner that helps me think and keep me moving. All I can do is smile when I see her and hope it makes her day just a little bit better and calm. I smile when I see her and I can't see anything else around us. 10% pay cut for her and her whole company this week. Although oddly, they're still hiring. She makes less than a friend who works for a non-profit. Heather works for a luxury lifestyle magazine. No one is hiring on craigslist, its scary to look. I have a good job and I'm safe for now.
