Its still snowing. It snowed plenty this weekend. I'm still in awe. But winter is making me depressed and moody. Last night I was invited to a little game night at a friends house about 3 miles away. It was really nice and I have a lot of fun. I got lost on the way over there, I knew where to go, sort of, but it was snowing and my (riding) glasses were really foggy and I kept taking them off, but then the snow would get in my eyes, so I 'd put them back on and they'd still be terrible to see out of. And then my feet started to get wet and then they got really cold, but I was actually doing ok as far as comfort was concerned. Anyways, I got lost twice, but I made it safe and sound.

The ride home was simple too. We made it home fine, but most of the ride was a blur. All the major roads are salted and plowed continuously, but the residential roads were terrible. When I made it to my street I went about a block before it was just too terrible to continue. I practically fell off my bike and couldn't get back on, so I hucked it and walked with my bike for a block or two without falling or slipping. Which I'm kind of proud of. My riding shoes soles are totally flat plastic with a little medal cleat, so I have no traction.

Tomorrow is work and we're having a christmas party in the evening at a bowling alley. I've been working here long enough to get health coverage now too. I have to talk to someone to get that ball rolling.

My rent and utilities were $927. My paycheck was roughly $1000. Its getting frustrating paying rent here when I'm finding cheaper studios near work. But its going to take a while to save up a deposit to move anywhere.

Next paycheck I'd like to finally start paying back my car, I think its been over 6 months. I'd also like to buy an acoustic guitar and try lessons online. It's getting really boring not having a TV, and I listen to Elliott Smith so much, it would be nice to be able to make art that sounds and feels like this music I enjoy so much. There aren't really any visual artists that I connect with anymore, and I don't really want to write. So maybe music is a nice option.

Dont Try

Winter of life

Winter is the season of Death.

What is death but a metaphor for change and revelation? Death of what? Since are all living still, and conscious, we have the opportunity to choose or at least influence what we want to change or pass in our lives. Its the death of the year, December 31, but its the birth of a new one. Another lap around the sun. Not just another lap, but a lap completed while spinning 360º, 365 times. The fact that we are not all dizzy while accomplishing this ride is worth celebrating.

Things come and go. People do too. Sometimes they come back, its good, its bad. Whatever. Dread it or not, you have the capability to survive. You also have the option to give up I guess...

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm scared, really scared. I just repeat the question "what am I doing here?" and I just don't have an answer. I don't think there is one.