I have become, the opposite of what I thought I was capable of. And I mean that, "capable". Also, I lost my hat.

Ever since I started kissing girls, I always gave a lot of thought about being a one girl kind of guy. Its just not right, and kind of gross to go from one person to another. When I first had sex, and then had sex eventually with someone else, I really enjoyed the fact that I'm pretty innocent but pretty good. But I think I took it all too seriously. I become attached too easily, and so I think I am/was/is hurt too easily and accidentally. People come and go, you rebound, you fall in love and you seclude yourself from everyone else but that person. And then, since you're only ~20 it ends. Thats your dumb little world that seems so vast and ultimate. And you're crush. Well, maybe not you, but me. Depressed, lose some weight, call up your friends and hope they are welcoming and forgiving.

Rinse, repeat.

I have had a small handful of serious relationships. Very serious. Well, they always feel serious when you're young(er) I guess (not to say I'm calling myself old now). But, from 18-23 I think I gained a bit of perspective about how tight to hold on to someone, especially holding on to someone as they go to parties or interests that I'm not really one to enjoy. Compromise.

I feel like I am freshly out of a serious relationship. Even though its nearly been a year since we broke up. I am not pining, or building a shrine and praying to be taken back, no, sadly. I am on the rebound. I'm rebounding out of here, literally. To Chicago.

But somethings happened. I'm not really interested in being in a serious relationship, at all. I have a couple of non-serious relationships going on, and I can't really see myself being jealous of these people giving their attention to other people, not like I would be in the past. Its weird, and new and I think there is a thin line, between casual dating, and soul less intimacy that I don't want to cross. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also, kind of...dont want to turn anyone down either. It's nice to be wanted. To flirt, to flirt with them, and that line.

I'm leaving. I keep making reasons to stay. Going on little day trips by myself, hanging out with people more, making an effort to appreciate more things that are unique.

I met a girl, who could probably go to any major city in the US, find a group of bike messengers and say "I'm so an so, I'm visiting and I don't have a bike" and there would be someone that would recognize her name and hook her up with a ride - out of respect. That is not why I like her as a friend (and more), but I think thats pretty amazing. Thats a lot of respect. Must be a pretty rad person I think. Which makes it pretty interesting that they want to hang out with me. I think that says something about my personality too. I seem to be attracted to, or attract girls who are wildly popular where ever they go. I'm over it.

I don't particularly like hanging out with people, I like the bar when its quiet, and I like the bartender. I like the bike ride with a friend, but group rides are a little obnoxious, despite their obvious advantages. Nobody likes traffic. I will think twice about waiting in a line of 4 people or more for anything. I like having one persons attention. Not peoples attention.

So where am I going with all this... I'm a little uncomfortable with myself. I'm not being totally honest to those around me who are letting me in, and in a way, I feel like I've tripped and gone too far. I am being vague, but I know what I'm talking about.

I can't stop listening to Elliott Smith. It is a phase that will not pass.

It's a lot of fun riding bikes with a girl that likes bikes and knows shortcuts between stops. I will say that.

flat tire

Got up went to work. car has a flat. I end up riding to work, which was nice and took about the same amount of time as it would to drive. However, I was bummed about the flat and it ruined my day, in addition to having a crappy day yesterday which lingered to today.

I was planning on buying a new phone today (this one broke, which I'll explain later), which I don't really want to spend the money on, but I like getting new gadgets, so I was kind of torn about it. But having the flat tire ruined it for me because it just means more money being spent that I can't afford to spend at the moment.

Well I've been looking around on amazon, cingular, helio, buy.com, craigslist etc...for a new phone that rocks as much as my old one (sony ericsson w600i) but I didn't want to spend another $250-300 and have it die in less than year (I got this phone last july on the day I was fired). I ended up ordering the Ocean by Helio. Its brand new this week and its had very good reviews from just about everyone thats reviewed it (gizmodo, engadget, nyt, cnet, etc), so I feel like it will be an ok investment (if you can consider a phone an investment).

My old phone, the w600i was pretty awesome while it lasted. The camera was great, worlds better than the motorola razr and the msging let me just email it to my flickr account or send photos to any other camera phone user. Its not very small, but the microphone quality is great. The look and feel is also a lot better than any other phone I've played around with, as is the UI. It also runs java and can play mp3's for ring tones.

Anyways, certain buttons stopped working a couple months ago so I have not been able to make any new calls to numbers that aren't already in my phonebook. It has bluetooth so I could update the phonebook with my laptop, but what a pain in the neck. I also cannot delete messages in my voicemail inbox because the 7 button doesnt work. Txt messaging was out of the question, which is a big deal because like most people my age, I txt more than I call.

So yeah, I broke down and got a Helio Ocean with 2 year contract. ugh 2 years?! Who the heck allowed this to happen? So much happens in 2 years. How long until 3 years? If I think about it too hard I can just feel the corp execs aura like dead jedi, staring at me telling me to make more phone calls and buy more minutes.

It was also a little more painful because my contract with cingular was month to month at this point. However, my bill is too high with all the data I send (pictures, txts). My average bill was usually over $100 for the last year with Cingular even with the basic media plan. Now it will be $71flat with unlim data/500 minutes and replacement plan if I lose or break the phone.

The positive to all this is that I get a new phone that looks and sounds pretty awesome, I found a coupon today that got me some very good discounts on the phone itself, waived the activation fee, and knocks off about $20 from my bill each month for the first 4 months. but ugh, 2 year contract.

I'm getting the screw hole in my tire patched tomorrow I hope. I hope having the car sit on the flat for a day doesnt render the tire useless. It was nearly brand new (december). They are $80 a pop and big-o doesnt carry the specific tire (toyo proxes4)

eHarmony - Personality Report

I thought this was fairly accurate, but I'm still skeptical of personality profiles when they aren't really analyzed by a true person.

You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
--

Words that describe you:

* Uncompromising
* Frank
* Astute



* Critical
* Empirical
* Tough



* Discerning
* Skeptical
* Shrewd
--

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When someone needs your help or wants you to do something you think before you act. See, at heart you believe deeply in personal freedom and individual responsibility. You think it is vital that people learn to take care of themselves so that they don't become dependent upon others. You believe that actions have consequences, and people need to accept the consequences of their actions if they are to learn from their mistakes and grow. You believe you wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if you lift someone out of trouble; they will never learn to lift themselves up if you keep rescuing them. And if you keep giving people a second, third or fourth chance, you have seen that people seldom develop the character they need to live decent and responsible lives.

You believe that compassion has a role to play in your life, in a structure of values that is encourages people to take care of themselves. Uncritical tenderheartedness does as much harm as good. You much prefer if people understand, in factual, empirical terms, how they got into trouble, and how they can lift themselves out of the mess they are in. In an emergency, of course, you're there to offer help and if someone has helped you out in the past there is no question about your loyalty. But whenever it is realistic, you are convinced people should take care of themselves.

Along with this you devote adequate time to taking care of your own needs and wants, in part because it makes you happy with your life and in part because that's what you truly believe every person should do. You cherish personal independence for yourself and others. Fostering such independence is the best way you find there is to love and care for others.
--

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Your emphasis on personal independence and personal responsibility may seem to lack in compassion to some people. Undoubtedly you have encountered people who feel this way toward you. And some may find you to be rather selfish. You do stay focused on your own life, take responsibility for your own problems, and are not always moved by situations in which some people think some action is required. That is part of you and your basic beliefs about life. And some people will inevitably want you to be different, but that is simply not who you are.
--

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

You're true to your beliefs and you hold yourself to the same expectations as you do with others. You are critical and tough with yourself, which gives you a consistency when you are critical and tough with others. And even when others don't agree with you, people are likely to admire your frankness. You say what you believe, even if what you believe runs counter to the motives and beliefs of others.

And you keep reminding people of two things that few people can argue with, even if they don't believe in them with your single-mindedness. Personal independence and personal responsibility matter to most people, and even the very compassionate admit that sometimes their hearts get in the way of what their heads know, which is to say that people should take care of themselves whenever they are able to do so. You remind people of this, in the honest way you live your own life and in the ways in which you respond, and don't respond, to other people

Last night around 10pm I had an AMP energy drink (tall boy) for the first time ever. Without eating dinner. I haven't had an energy drink since I had a can of Whoop Ass way back in 2000. I used to drink a lot of mt dew and I wanted to see how this would effect me since I dont really drink much caffeine anymore.

I easily stayed up until 3am. I think I did about 30 laps around the nurburgring in GT4. But I am not sure if it was GT4, or the fact that it was Friday anyways, and I didn't mind staying up, or the drink. Or all these factors. I'm not really easily effected by placebos, so I do not think it was just the thought that I drank an energy drink. Also I couldn't stop bouncing my leg while I played.

Anyways, I'm not trying that again, they don't even taste good.