i have been taking xanax a few times this week. a friend of a friend gave me a couple last weekend and it knocked me out when I got home. When I woke up I had been given 4 more 1mg pills. I gave two of them to a friend at work who gave me a hit of ecstacy on my birthday.
oh, yeah, i did ecstacy on my birthday. i also drank a bit too much, and if I hadnt done that drug, I would have thrown up from the alcohol, but for some reason it suppressed it. So it all stayed in my system and I had diarrhea for the next few days. Literally, days. It was painful and I couldnt sit in my chair for more than 20 minutes before I had to go to the bathroom. I tried working the day-after my birthday, but I went home early and called in sick the next day. The day I came back was still difficult and I was quite sore. But I got over it. I'm lucky. When I took the ecstacy I wasn't partying or dancing or going crazy and drinking more that can kill you. The alcohol and the drug basically turns you cold blooded and in a hot enviroment like at a club, you'll overheat and collapse, fried, and drinking water doesnt help it just causes water toxicity. I was at a friends house being calm and playing games (although i was sitting way too close to the TV). massaging someones feet and cuddling with someone on the floor.
I think I am done with that drug, e. I like it, quite a bit, and I recommend it, especially to people who have things to share with loved ones. I've often wished my parents could take it, but it wouldnt be the same for them as it was for me and jenn when we took it the first couple of times. You want to share everything you've ever thought and confess every bad feeling youve had, every secret. You just want to bond and tell the truth and touch each other, and dance and look at screensavers.
But the come-down is annoying. Your jaw might be sore, sleeping can be difficult, and my insides itch like I'm restless. Its just uncomfortable. I would rather just have a drink or two and feel relaxed and ok with feeling like I'm just another fish in the sea. At a bar I can slouch at the table or bar, look miserable, and hang my head, like its my natural state. Thats what some people are there for. You realize theres nothing you can do, and thats the place to do it.
Its a place to go when nobody knows your name (hopefully) and you dont want to remember your own sometimes. I think why should I? Whos going to be there to remember it after me? My kids, my grandkids, and then I'll be forgotten. I dont know my great grandparents names. Who does? They're strangers as far as I know. I'd like to think its like in the movies where my great grandpa looked just like me, but with a 30's haircut and high waist trousers. Some kid that loved to doodle and ride bikes, old fixed gear bikes made out of steel. Who was kind of a weirdo and a great lover. Maybe fought in a war and saved someone, and killed a bunch of enemies - but knew too, that it was all ridiculous. Or maybe they were rapists, or they beat their kids.
Anyways, the xanax. It actually releaved me of my anxiety this week that I've taken 4 (2 saturday night, one thursday night, one today). Except for today I had taken them at night at or around dinner. Kind of like being drunk, but sleepy. Very slow and a little disassociated physically. Its hard to stand up off the couch. And I forget what happens. I was accidentally head butted in the nose in bed and I forgot about it until the person apologized the next day. But I'm not nervous, paranoid or anxious like I normally am. Too dopey though. Can't plan on leaving the house when I take that stuff, and I'm not taking any more.
This girl I am hanging out with, who knows I am leaving, she is more into drugs than I will ever be. Parties, raves, dancing, burning man. Drinking. Coke, Ketamine and e. To each their own. I am trying not to become too...invested? But it is difficult because I am so depressed lately, I dont want to be alone as much as I am. I am going to be a lot more alone soon. I am not hanging out with her because its better than being alone. We get along, we are funny and witty together. But I want to be around cleaner people. People who like their clothes and hair to be earth tones. I am tired of meeting girls who are outgoing and outspoken, former speed addicts. But thats what I seem to attract.
Maybe its because the quiet, humble ones intimidate me. The modest mice. Maybe I am a scrapper, a fighter, and I like women that can fight for their lives. I just wish I could meet a girl that can take better care of herself. Not be in debt, without a car. Someone who isnt giving me an ultimatum about how they're trying to look out for themselves by only being around positive people. I'm not very positive, but I sure do give a huge chunk of my heart, time and money to those I care about. I haven't gotten much of the same back it seems.
I am grayson impossible.
