I have become, the opposite of what I thought I was capable of. And I mean that, "capable". Also, I lost my hat.

Ever since I started kissing girls, I always gave a lot of thought about being a one girl kind of guy. Its just not right, and kind of gross to go from one person to another. When I first had sex, and then had sex eventually with someone else, I really enjoyed the fact that I'm pretty innocent but pretty good. But I think I took it all too seriously. I become attached too easily, and so I think I am/was/is hurt too easily and accidentally. People come and go, you rebound, you fall in love and you seclude yourself from everyone else but that person. And then, since you're only ~20 it ends. Thats your dumb little world that seems so vast and ultimate. And you're crush. Well, maybe not you, but me. Depressed, lose some weight, call up your friends and hope they are welcoming and forgiving.

Rinse, repeat.

I have had a small handful of serious relationships. Very serious. Well, they always feel serious when you're young(er) I guess (not to say I'm calling myself old now). But, from 18-23 I think I gained a bit of perspective about how tight to hold on to someone, especially holding on to someone as they go to parties or interests that I'm not really one to enjoy. Compromise.

I feel like I am freshly out of a serious relationship. Even though its nearly been a year since we broke up. I am not pining, or building a shrine and praying to be taken back, no, sadly. I am on the rebound. I'm rebounding out of here, literally. To Chicago.

But somethings happened. I'm not really interested in being in a serious relationship, at all. I have a couple of non-serious relationships going on, and I can't really see myself being jealous of these people giving their attention to other people, not like I would be in the past. Its weird, and new and I think there is a thin line, between casual dating, and soul less intimacy that I don't want to cross. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also, kind of...dont want to turn anyone down either. It's nice to be wanted. To flirt, to flirt with them, and that line.

I'm leaving. I keep making reasons to stay. Going on little day trips by myself, hanging out with people more, making an effort to appreciate more things that are unique.

I met a girl, who could probably go to any major city in the US, find a group of bike messengers and say "I'm so an so, I'm visiting and I don't have a bike" and there would be someone that would recognize her name and hook her up with a ride - out of respect. That is not why I like her as a friend (and more), but I think thats pretty amazing. Thats a lot of respect. Must be a pretty rad person I think. Which makes it pretty interesting that they want to hang out with me. I think that says something about my personality too. I seem to be attracted to, or attract girls who are wildly popular where ever they go. I'm over it.

I don't particularly like hanging out with people, I like the bar when its quiet, and I like the bartender. I like the bike ride with a friend, but group rides are a little obnoxious, despite their obvious advantages. Nobody likes traffic. I will think twice about waiting in a line of 4 people or more for anything. I like having one persons attention. Not peoples attention.

So where am I going with all this... I'm a little uncomfortable with myself. I'm not being totally honest to those around me who are letting me in, and in a way, I feel like I've tripped and gone too far. I am being vague, but I know what I'm talking about.

I can't stop listening to Elliott Smith. It is a phase that will not pass.

It's a lot of fun riding bikes with a girl that likes bikes and knows shortcuts between stops. I will say that.