Gaper's Block Crit 2010

Gaper's Block Crit 2010
Originally uploaded by J.Knecht

Thats me in the white top.

Gaper's Block Crit 2010

Gaper's Block Crit 2010
Originally uploaded by J.Knecht

Thats me in the white top.

Last night I dreamt I was having some sort of an affair with Sayid's long lost lover Nadia. Except it wasn't really an affair, because in the dream I wasn't seeing anyone else. It was just a relationship, but feels like an affair because it wasn't Heather, whom I AM seeing in real life. It kind of felt like one I had in college. Kind of puppydogish.

One way or another we ended up at an apartment and my aunt Rose answered the door. We hugged and went inside and my uncle Bill was there, I think he had a black eye. My gram was there too, and then my mom was also there. I hugged her and cried. I didn't want to let go. My friend from SF, Natasha, was there too, she and Nadia were sitting together doing a puzzle or something. I think I had to get the girl to the airport or something, we had to go but I don't remember why.

Natasha and I have the same birthday, except she was born in Russia, so I suppose she's a day ahead. It was very surreal of course, and vivid even after I woke up, but now its hazy.

I'm in it to have fun.

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours riding my bike in the rain with a group of like minded fools. At about mile 30 one particular fool bonked out, but wasn't from Chicago and didn't know where the hell we were, so I stayed back along with one other nice fool and we essentially towed him back in the cold wet chicago rain for another 20 miles.

Probably tooling around at about 12mph, down from 20mph with the pack. Usually I spend about 3000 Calories on this ride, and I still may have because of how long I was on the bike but not because of effort. My hands and feet were soaked and my feet specifically were frozen and numb like wood when I got home, and had been for at least an hour and a half. After being in the shower and letting them thaw they turned bright red, then dark purple and then as life slowly returned they swelled a little bit and turned pink and regular skin color. I wore compression socks for the rest of the day and went to bed early.

I was going to ride another 50 today, its partly cloudy and windy instead of all cloudy and rainy. I got up at 7am, fed the cat, made some pancakes and waffles, had some pepsi max, filled up my bottles, put on my wool socks, shoes, riding bib, jersey, rain cape, hat and helmet. Got my wallet and keys and heart rate monitor, then stepped outside into the cool overcast morning air. Looked around, came back into the house, went pee, stripped and went right back to bed.

And thats why I'll never win any races.

Get back...

Two years of seeing eye to eye.


I am ready ready ready ready for spring, warmth, t-shirts, tans, shorts, no socks, sweaty butts, sweaty pits, short hair, riding bare handed, driving with the windows down, sleeping with the windows open, feeling my toes, handstands in the park, the option to go to the beach, getting home from work when its still light out. Getting home and not having to take anything off, getting home and taking a shower to cool down, not warm up, weather that wont kill me. Ready ready ready.

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly way...

My downstairs neighbor has been listening to the radio very loudly 24 hours a day for the last week. It occurred to me today that she might be out of town... or dead. But when Heather got home from a celebratory dinner her lights were on, and the so is the radio. It's not terribly loud, but loud enough to hear it under the TV noise or the laptop noises, or my own stereo. Are WE that loud? No, we can't be that loud. How can be this loud ALL THE TIME? Neither of us want to confront her about it, it'll pass right?

Heather took her final exam for her Masters degree today. Big day! But now wait for the next few days while we wait for the results.

You have the right to be happy

"I often make the observation that the day Susan died was hardly the day that I started the grieving process. That it was hardly the day that our relationship changed.

That day was probably sometime around three years ago, when I began the transition from husband to nurse. As I grieved daily over the loss of Susan’s physical and mental ability. As each month brought a new problem without a solution. As she died over the course of years.

Over the course of a few years, as I took care of her every physical need — well beyond what I’ve described or will ever describe here — Susan’s and my relationship deepened in some ways, and changed in others. It’s inevitable, I now think, and even desirable. I consider it my life’s finest accomplishment that I was able to adapt to be whatever she needed."

Some time after one of my moms suicide attempts when I was younger I realized she was dying and eventually she'd probably be done in a very sad and dramatic fashion. Well it happened.

But I didn't have to live with her after 2004 so I didn't have to live with the things she did as she fell apart over the years. So I'm excited and happy for my dad that he has someone to help him, and that he doesn't have to be alone and that he choses not to. If I were married and I died, I'd want Heather to find someone to take care of her. Although as a ghost it wouldn't be easy to get over seeing her with someone else... I imagine I'd have a lot more things to be interested in though... if I were a ghost.

But that doesn't make it any easier, it makes it more real and in my face... Being a couple thousand miles away means I don't have to deal with it unless I'm reminded, and those reminders are usually gentle. My dad can find another person to love and grow old with, but I keep reminding myself its not fair because I don't get another mom. And I'm trying to get over that.

I don't dislike my dads friend, or the relationship... I'm not resentful. Life goes on. And I guess thats something you give up when you take your own life... you don't get the right to ask your partner to not move on. You lose a lot of rights when you're dead.

That said, I've finally started looking for an Urn for my mom's ashes. When I sit down to really think about it, I end up wondering whats the point of even having them around? Is it keeping me from moving on or healing? Is it some sort of adopted religious thing I don't realize I'm doing? No I don't know. All I know is I want to keep her around some how because I can (if she hadn't been cremated then I'd be SOL I guess... I can't hang on to just a finger). Would I be sad if some how the ashes were spilled and lost? Probably not. What will I do with them when I'm older, or when I die? Who knows, I'll get rid of them eventually in some symbolic way probably. For now I need something nice to keep these remains in and I need to make room for them in my house.